One thing that I always think about is what am I teaching? What am I teaching other people about me when I do something? Now, I'm not compulsive about it but I do try to notice how I act. I try not to act in a certain way just so people will like me -- being antiwar with one crowd and prowar with another, etc -- but you know what? I sometimes don't speak out when I should. But when I act and when I talk, what am I saying about me? Do I need to tell people I'm a Jesus-freak, or will they notice in a short time?
- When I'm driving with my children in the car, do I swear and shake my fist at people that cut me off?
- When a waitress or the kitchen gets my order wrong, do I handle it with class?
- When I'm watching sports and my team loses, do I get upset? Am I so nervous about the outcome of a close game that I ignore everything else in the house?
- Do I buy things I can't afford?
None of those things are crimes, but how I handle them tells my children how to handle them. And, when I mess one of them up (I've done each of the items in the list wrong at least once), how I apologize and stand up to my mistakes tells them a lot, too.
It's the principle of Caught vs. Taught. You can teach, you can preach, but when they catch you doing good or doing bad, that's what they are going to learn. Am I perfect? Far from it. But when I mess up and someone shows me grace, that's a lesson, too.
Remember, too, that you can't influence your children in this way if you are never around them. In another recent post I discussed Combining -- finding interests and involving others and involving God, therefore making them a ministry. It's a good way to keep you fresh and focused. It's a good way to have time to cram it all in a life. Combinations also work with kids. Find something they like to do, do it with them and learn from them. Find something you like to do, and have them do it with you. Teach them. You'll be teaching more than one lesson.
I go in spurts, to be honest. I have a 14-year old boy who is in that grey zone between wanting to spend time with me and wanting to break free and to be increasingly independent. It's hard to tell which he wants, but based on some trouble he's been in lately, I know that right now I need to be around him more. We've shared a lot of things, disc golf, paintball, snowboarding, TaeKwonDo; it's all been fun, but it's all passed, too. I'm looking for the next thing we can do together. I really believe the time is of a higher quality when guys are active with their children.
With my 8-year-old, who is a big fan of the Yugioh trading card game, I've been learning from him. I've read opinions that Yugioh and games like it scare kids and are a gift from the Devil himself. I disagree with that assessment, but I can only stand by that opinion because I've spent a lot of time with my son and I know the game and I know the cards and I know my son. In the game, he sometimes wins and I sometimes win. He wins and loses as well as I do, because he's learning how to handle it from me. In this way, we spend time together, we learn strategy together (there is a baffling amount of strategy in this complex game) and we discuss a wide range of topics. On Saturdays he goes to a tournament for under 16 kids and he plays and often wins.
One of our Christian brothers is a competitive fisherman. His partner is his 11 year old son. Why? He wanted to fish competitively, but it took too much time away from being a father. Now he can do both. That's combining! You can't pass up chances to be around your children.
I say all this not to brag -- it looks like I am, I know, and I can't get around that if I want to make my point. The point is: combine your interests and your children's interests so you do one of each. I'm failing my 14-year-old right now, but I'm going to find a way to change it. Maybe it will be RC cars or competition swimming, but we will combine something, we'll include God and I'll do my best to show him how God wants a man to act.
